Before I start this blog post, I should probably give you a heads up; this is my first time blogging. So the next question is, why now? Well, I lost a game of chicken to @thekenyanmom. She had dared me to check out of my room with the hotel’s bathrobe in my person. What can I say, blogging seems like a bargain to as compared that, no? Actually, I’m bribing her but don’t tell her. Moving along; I’m a young man and an aspiring parent….if there is such a thing. Not many men my age out there would publicly admit to this, but there you go. I hope to one day be father, a dad and parent……bring up my brood and proudly say I did something worthwhile on my stay on this here earth.

I have had quite a number of ‘fights’ (which I lost) with the Kenyanmom over the fact that this platform locks out the involvement of dads. ‘…..start your own for dads platform…’, she says. Well I just might, but that’s a discussion for another day. So where was I…….I am an aspiring father, yes and I hope to have a brood of my own someday.

Am at that age where my aunts have started to pull me aside ‘to talk’ and mischievously sneak in the ‘when are we eating your rice’ question, of which I would reply ‘am actually working on it’. This happens at family gatherings, plus I have five aunts and the last of my age mate cousins just married the other day. Beautiful bride, beautiful wedding; she is Rwandese….she says my name funny, then again I can’t pronounce her name without my mother tongue’s attempt to intervene…… Anyways, PRESSURE!!

But truthfully, am working on it. Thing is, I worry a little about parenthood. My biggest worry would be damaging my kids psychologically or something. Yes, I fear the fact that I might not empower my kids enough to be the best they can be in life; what would be a parent’s duty if not that. I did a small poll on the fears of parenthood among my yet to enter that ‘tax bracket’ friends. Well the responses were as interesting as they can be: some said they feared their kids would be slow at school, social awkwardness, skin colour, kids growing up to hate them as parents……..you name it. What are your fears? Ask among your peers and see what comes up.

As a consolation, I think I will have done my job as a parent if my daughter and son don’t end up as props on Naswa (harsh?).

In other news, I have this recurring nightmare of my three year old daughter cleaning my iPad along with the utensils in her attempt to prove how all grown she is……. *gasp* Allow me to recover the color on my face……

In the news this week, Sakina’s inspiring story, ways to practice spirituality, disabled couple seeking courts help to live together and more!

Sakina’s Story

“Sakina, a young mother of two in Nigeria, was pregnant with twins. During delivery, she experienced life-threatening complications. Watch her inspiring story.” Courtesy of Pathfinder International.

The Little Ways To Practice Spirituality

No, this is not a religious piece of news. It is a piece about gratitude and the little things you can do to appreciate your life. Things that we take for granted but can help us grow! More….

Mom Leaves Message In Her (Grown) Daughter’s Lunchbox

The most amazing thing about motherhood is you never cease to be a mom, even when your children are all grown up. You feel the same love and want to protect them and show them you care, just as you felt when they were born. This note says it all. More….

The Grace With Which You Accept What’s Not Meant For You

“Unrest derivest largely from that which we don’t have the grace to accept isn’t for us.” This statement sums up everything I have had to learn this week. It’s amazing how I come across the right lessons, the right articles when I need them most. And this is one of the ones I truly needed this week! “…when it least seems the universe is on your side, it’s most guiding you and carrying you.” More….

Disabled couple seek life together in group home

Love always finds a way. This disabled couple got married but are not able to spend time together since they live in different group homes. “The mentally disabled couple is not allowed to share a bedroom by the state-sanctioned nonprofits that run the group homes.” They are seeking to challenge this through the courts! More….

The other day, I took time off from work to help my son prepare to go back to school. I did not expect much productivity from the day. I was mentally prepared to do the basics – check home work, do shopping, have that parent – child talk to motivate him and keep him on track as he gets into a new term. I find the talk part to be very important because it is at such talks that a parent is able to know if the child is on or off track and take the appropriate action before it is too late.

After what I saw as a successful talk, we decide to visit the barber in the neighborhood and since it is just a few metres from the house we decided to walk. Just nearing the exit to the gated community, there was a small boy literally under a car eating a snack. I asked him ‘mbona unakula chini ya gari’ (why are you eating from under the car). His reply? Sitaki kuombwa (I don’t want to share). While digesting that, as we walked a little further I noticed another group of kids, riding their bikes. I then had a flash back of back in the day when all kids would ride the bike. The haves and the have nots were equal but in today’s world, if you do not have, too bad you cannot be assisted, remarks my son echoed.

I then asked my son; why is it that other children no longer come to our house as they used to last year and the year before that? He replied, ‘Their parent told kids not to go to other people’s houses, not to eat in other peoples houses etc. I have no illusions of the world that we are living in. I know there are people out there who may give our children things to eat or drink with not so noble of intentions at heart but seriously, is the end result worth it?

When growing up kids do two things, what their parents want them to do and what they see their parents doing. We have all heard, it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. This saying according to me means, if you want to teach a dog tricks, do it when it is young. Same applies to our kids, the habits and values we instil in them when they are kids are most likely to be carried forward to old age and to generations that come after them.

For a child to decide to hide underneath a car so as not to share his snack, is it that the parent told the child he will be beaten if he shares or does he see the parents hide things when visitors are around or about to come? If the child can not share his snacks, will he give an extra pencil to another student who forgot his at home? Not that I am blowing my own horn, but every year, my son takes out all his clothes and sorts them. The ones which are small, he puts them aside and communicates his intentions to donate the items to those in need. He is only 7, and he has such a heart of helping, but in the estate, how many such kids are there?

We cannot blame the children for what they do or what they do not do. The blame lies mostly with the parents. It is what the parents do or say that makes the children do what they do. It is in giving that people receive. If we do not instil that in our children now, they will ‘not receive’ and will be termed selfish in that they will not be able to share any material things with anyone else even when the other person is in need. He will also not share knowledge amongst peers. Worst scenario is, your child, letting another child engage in harmful behavior because ‘he doesn’t care’ It is the small things that count. It is a wild world out there and how you shape your child to be will determine whether they are able to manage or not. Assuming a child leaves his lunch at home, will he stay hungry all day just because YOU told your child not to share? Do those from the disadvantaged backgrounds really have hope given that our children are becoming less of givers every day? Let us make it clear when it comes to giving, and give them that opportunity to make the decision on their own. If they start giving now, what will stop them from tithing when they grow up?

Next Time: Introducing Money and Finance To Your Child

Image Courtesy of Madame Noire

“I never thought pregnancy could be ‘fun.’ Every day I learn and experience miracles happening inside me that make me grateful to be a woman and be pregnant. Of course there are those really tiring days but so far I have no major complaints. My journey … only God could have made things work out this well for me.

I realized I was pregnant when I was already two months gone. I was by then being treated for eczema (a skin disorder that causes the skin to react in an abnormal manner to normal environmental and/or dietal conditions) using herbal medication. So the nausea, tiredness, lack of sleep, no menses and other symptoms I had, I thought were brought on by the herbs. I started using the herbs less frequently as I was tired of feeling so sick and weak every day and I could not go to work either. When I did not get my period even after quitting the herbal medication I suspected I was pregnant. I took three pregnancy tests just to be sure and an ultrasound days later to make sure it wasn’t ectopic or anything of the sort. Before I took the tests, as much as I was sure I was pregnant I wasn’t sure on how to deal with it. When I later took the confirmation tests at first I was scared, tense, and nervous. I still wanted to keep the baby. That was the only thing that kept me level headed, no matter what happens I will keep my baby.

Now that the pregnancy was confirmed, it was time to break the news to my family. The hardest part was breaking the news to my mum. I was not sure how she would handle the news. I felt that as much as she would be happy to have her first grandchild, she would be terribly disappointed in me. I told mum about the pregnancy about a month after I found out. After enough sleepless nights and nightmares I decided it wasn’t worth hiding the fact that I was pregnant. I had already totally accepted the baby, mum would not let me move out even after several attempts of trying to sell the idea to her (comes with being a last born I guess) and she was happy about the baby. My body was changing fast, in a matter of time mum would have noticed if she hadn’t already. I broke the news to her one early morning, on a weekday before we all got ready for work. I woke up at 3am, sat in bed trying to figure out how I was going to tell her the news. I couldn’t find the words so took with me the ultra sound results, knocked on mum’s bedroom door, she woke up. I told her, “I have something to tell you.” She sat up, looking quite worried, asked me what was wrong, if I was sick… I simply replied “No” and gave her the envelope containing the news. As she took her reading glasses and read through the contents my mind was racing and I kept telling myself if she kicks me out she had the right to do so.

She read the results, and goes ahead to congratulate me in a genuinely happy and excited tone. I sat there confused, wondering if I had given her my school results or something of the sort. I looked at what she had read and yes they were my results but no, not the reaction I thought I would get. “So you are pregnant?” I said “Yes.” She asked me a few more questions about my health and if I was ok … I started crying and couldn’t stop. I can’t describe how I was feeling, quite an overwhelming stream of emotions. Don’t I have the best mum in the world?

Mum accepting the pregnancy was a shocker. Just like that I felt a burden was lifted off my shoulders. The way she went about getting ready for work and making breakfast, singing happily to every tune she could. The rest of my family also was happy about the news and they all show it in different ways even today.

I can’t wait to see my baby. To be able to hold those tiny hands and see those feet that give me some serious kicks to the ribs. I can’t wait to look at those eyes and see myself in them. The best bit I think about being a mom is seeing yourself in your child. The way you deal with life, the way you talk to people and treat them will be brought out in your child. I may not change much habit-wise but I can’t wait to see what it is about me that I will ‘re-invent’ just to teach my child the way to live.”

Doesn’t this mama-to-be have the best family in the world?! I know the anxiety of wondering how to break the news of your pregnancy to your mom. I went through it too. I’m sure a few other moms have as well! We’ll be following up on her to hear her experience with her bundle of joy.

If you are a mom or a mom-to-be and you’d like to be featured on The Kenyan Mom, click on the image below and you could be next!

Why sharing the chores makes a marriage last: Couples are happier when men pull their weight

“Couples are happier and marriages last longer when men pull their weight in housework and childcare, new research reveals.” Ask any married woman out there. There’s nothing heart-warming or sexy than a man who offers to help with house-chores. And a real man always does! More….

18 Things That Will Make You Smile

Of the things that we widely seem to agree on, the laughter of babies and small children will make you smile, every single time! So infectious that you might find yourself participating in the laughter! See other things that are guaranteed to make you smile. More….

Why I wish my daughter had been vaccinated

We’ve heard every excuse moms give for not wanting their children to be vaccinated. ‘Vaccines are just an introduction of viruses in my child’s body’, some say. ‘I cannot bear to see my child in the discomfort that vaccinations come with’ or the most “logical” one. Diptheria, polio, whooping cough do not exist any more! Dear moms, it is important for your child to be vaccinated. More….

Five Things Every Expectant Father Needs To Know

When she is expecting, you can be guaranteed that you, as a father to be are also expecting. This is a really good view of a new father, after the fact, for what to expect when you, as a man are expecting. More….

Breaking the Cycle of Child Marriage in India

Apni Beti Apna Dhan (ABAD) — ‘Our Daughter Our Wealth,’ in English is a government scheme in India that was established in 1994. It is designed to improve parents’ perceived value of daughters by offering them economic incentives, mostly cash. More….

How to Help Children Cope with a Crisis

“In the wake of the bombing at the Boston Marathon, parents, teachers, grandparents and other caregivers are very concerned about how dramatic images of and discussion about the tragic event will affect the emotional well-being of their children.” How do we help our children cope with a crisis?

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If you didn’t catch the story on Citizen TV, watch it here. The pregnant mothers from Kibera can now rest a little easy. Together with a trained traditional birth attendant, they have the wheelbarrow ambulances that help ferry the sick from their homes which are not accessible by vehicles to nearest health centres.

All Great Things Happen In Tiny Steps

“It only takes 10 seconds of courage to change everything, or to start something that will change everything.” I am a big advocate of living positively and I have been working on it for years. Still a work in progress but reading this short article summarizes ‘change’ and the small steps that get you there.

15 Reasons Your Relationships Keep Failing

“It’s so easy for us to give up faith in relationships. Many of us have thought about quitting several times.” While we all agree that relationships take hard work, we are not too keen on putting in the hard work! Here’s an article that highlights the major issues.

Competency Based Education’s Newest Form Creates Promise and Questions

We have always felt that children should be allowed to study on their own terms and what they enjoy most. Could ‘credit without teaching’ be the answer? “Earlier this year Capella University and the new College for America began enrolling hundreds of students in academic programs without courses, teaching professors, grades, deadlines or credit hour requirements, but with a path to genuine college credit.”

Let us start today’s post with a question – If you had a chance to change one thing in your life as you grew up, something that was not available to you then but is available now, what would it be? Another question, what is that one thing which most of us can’t do without?

If I had a chance to have what is available now, back in the day, I would go for exposure in technology. Back then, the only ‘technology’ around was the black and white TV or the radio which at that time was not a cheap affair and all you could do was listen to it or watch. If you dared touch the box, you would get a proper beating. Some of our mums were also not allowed to operate the gadget, they were expensive and rare and a pride to the man of the house. That said, my desire to know how a TV or radio worked was non-existent. It was so bad, I actually thought there were tiny people in the plastic casing talking. When I got lucky as spotted an innovation, it wouldn’t last for long and the few minutes it lasted I would be completely amazing by the innovation not having any time left to explore.

Fast forward to today. When my son was barely 5 years old, he sent me a text. I for the longest time thought someone was playing games then I saw him do it himself. I was amazed. I asked him who taught him how to text he said; he saw people doing it and so did it. Just by seeing, he developed the curiosity and interest and given the availability of a device to play around with, he was able to maneuver around the phone. With time, he could see the differences and similarities with different brands and the champ can text faster than me, almost, with better grammar of-course and also do things for my parents which they cant do on their own.

I bought my nephew a phone when he was 6, a move, many saw as not wise but I have come to learn that, that was one of the best moves I ever made. I am yet to understand why his phone is always off and only turns it on when he wants to text or call then off ………………. My friends daughter who is barely 1 year old, has already figured out that a remote is used to control the TV and with time she was able to switch the TV on or OFF and even change channels.

With technology, our kids may get exposed to so many things which are not right for their age. For example, a kid who has access to an ipad or a mobile phone that has access to the internet can end up coming across things like porn, but I believe they will only do so when they are made aware that such content exists, either from seeing their parents or siblings engaging or friends talking about it.

The Jubilee government promised every class 1 kid a laptop. Many see it as an over ambitious plan. However as a parent who by the way all kids are past class one, I welcome the move based on what I have seen explore technology and seen what it has done to my kids and other kids.

It is through such exposure, they come to have clearer and a more diverse career path. When we were young, we wanted to be teachers, pilots, doctors but was it because of genuine interest or that is what we were exposed to then? The community made it look like for you to drive a car, dress well etc, there were some professions you had to be in. When a child is exposed to say a computer, his/her interests to become a computer scientist may be generated. That will give our children a better chance to make a more informed choice in their desired career paths so that, they do not have the problem we have now of over educated people lacking jobs. The exposure also makes them naturally sharp and aware, if a child is exposed to say an iPad, he will know the more you use it, the faster it drains charge. He may go further to even know what will make it drain charge faster than what. He will in turn grow up conscious and aware of things which are applicable in life such as the more you eat, the more you will refill or shop for your kitchen.

In addition to generating interest, the exposure will also make the kids appreciate innovation, provoke their creative minds and get them to put on their thinking caps and use that combination in future to make the world a better place by increasing their knowledge base.

Curiousity killed the cat, they say but I believe that it was how the cat dealt with curiosity that made its life suddenly cut short. The lives of our children when exposed to technology will greatly rely on what they do with it as individuals but as parents we have a key role in ensuring they put the information gathered to the right use and most importantly appreciate to not under or over utilize resources within their reach.

Next Time: Children Giving Back – Lead By Example

Australian Mom Brings Baby Back to Life After 2hrs of Loving Embrace

While this happens to be an old story, the message remains constant. The power of love, and the connection between a mother and her baby!

Is adoption the answer to Kenya’s abandoned children

“While adoption was the last option for childless couples in the past, the practice is increasingly becoming common in Kenya, according to Susan Utuoma, Associate Director at the Little Angels Network.” This, according to Capital FM.

What Is Love? Some Really Smart Kids May Have The Answer

Love is a universal language. So universal in fact, that even a child has a notion of what it is. According to Terri, age 4, love is what makes you smile when you are tired.

21 Ways to Help Yourself Heal

With the pressures of life, we all need to take time to heal ourselves. And here are 21 ways to help you heal.

36 Ingenious Things You’ll Want As A New Parent

As new parents, we are always looking for new, cute things to add on to the pleasure of parenthood. Like a pacifier that closes when dropped.

When you hear about Dadaab Refugee Camp, the picture that flashes in your mind is what the news channels have been feeding us over the years. Malnourished children, fighting no end and tents that no human should live in. Granted, these stories exist in the camps. What you never realise is that within this camp, ordinary lives are going on! Children are being born, others are going to school, businesses are thriving, teenage boys are hitting on teenage girls… You know, the usual, including this amazing music video, Dear Mr. Peace by the young people from Dadaab!

Dadaab Refugee Camp has over 500,000 Refugees. These people have been around for years, and while it started as a temporary shelter for them, it has become pretty much their home. The Dadaab Stories website seeks to highlight that. What is even more fascinating, the stories are told and recorded by the Refugees themselves! Yes, even film making is going on in this very large town. It’s basically is ranked after Nairobi and Mombasa in terms of the size. They even have their own newspaper in print, compiled by the people of Dadaab!

I have had the pleasure of talking to people working in this camp, both aid workers and volunteers and they have told me amazing stories from there! Both doom and gloom as well as the thriving stories. So much so that I cannot wait to go to this camp, and experience life there! If for nothing else, to get perspective on the camp itsself. Lucky for you, you can first view the stories at www.dadaabstories.org before heading there, thanks to Film Aid’s effort with Dadaab Stories.

Take a look at these day-to-day stories from Dadaab, then we plan a trip together, yes?

Other than the first 3 months of my pregnancy where morning sickness hit hard (I enjoyed every bit of it mark you), my pregnancy was very pleasant. Energy filled, glowing skin, lush hair and nails and a laugh that I could never get rid of. Mark always thought it sounded hideous but I did not care!

Image Courtesy of Mother’s Wellness Doula

Fast-forward to 38 weeks. Labour hit hard, which although I had read everything there was to read and prepared myself mentally and emotionally, nothing could have prepared me for the pain involved. Still, I was so excited and I could not have traded the pain for anything in the world! I was blessed with a bouncing baby boy, 3,800grams in weight, through normal delivery. After all the excitement surrounding the birth, with friends relatives and doctors fussing over me and my little one, it was time for Mark and I to take our bundle of joy home.

We had decided we needed to be alone, just the 3 of us, to get to know each other and get used to being a family. We therefore did not hire any permanent help for the first 3 months. A temporary cleaning lady is all we engaged, who would come in during the day and leave after her chores were done. Timmy, our little angle was a fussy one. He could wake up all hours of the night but Mark was a God-sent and we managed quite well.

Or so we thought. Mark had taken 3 weeks leave, just to be around, and when he went back to work, I realised something was wrong. 2 weeks in, I had started feeling quite weepy, which we choked to exhaustion and hormones. It is to be expected. Only for me, it never went down. When Mark went back to work, it became worse. So bad was it, that when Tim cried, I would just watch him till he cried himself hoarse. That or I would break down and cry.

One morning, after Mark left for work, Tim got into his usual crying. Later, I learnt that he was being colicy. To this day, I don’t know whether I was noticing him crying and ignoring him or what was happening. I just remember our cleaning lady coming in, calling me from where I was seated, telling me the baby is crying and me staring at her with a blank face. She picked Tim up, soothed him with the milk I had expressed the previous day and called Mark from work. Mark then called my mom, who came over and after hearing that I had such episodes, recognised it as Postpartum Depression.

I was taken to the hospital, given some Anti-Depressants and we hired a permanent househelp. I was plagued with guilt for almost a year, after snapping out of the depression and realised what I had taken our son through. The doctor took time to assure me that it does happen and might go unnoticed, and after a few counselling sessions, I was able to start forgiving myself.

To this day, my heart still breaks when I remember those episodes. Tim is now a healthy 4 year old boy. I am sharing this story with you so that you can realise, motherhood is not easy. It can turn for the worse on a dime. Don’t take a mother’s look on face value and assume she is alright. Talk to her, and really listen.

To new moms and moms to be, do not isolate yourself. It is the only way friends and relatives will notice if something is wrong. Believe me or not, my episodes was among the ones considered minor. Moms have crippled, and even killed their children without intending to. You are allowed to rely on your support system, especially the first few months after giving birth.

All the best dear mamas.

What is Postpartum Depression (PPD)? Read about it here.

If you are a mom and you’d like to be featured on The Kenyan Mom, click on the image below and you could be next!